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 This is so funny some of the content may be offensive

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Sarah
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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive   Thu Sep 10, 2009 3:24 pm

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who
has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was,
since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He
will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
Why the early bird gets the
worm;
Life isn't always fair;
and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children,
are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate;
teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch;
and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student;
but could
not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an
abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses;

and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in
her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by
his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;

I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
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krypton
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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Thu Sep 10, 2009 3:53 pm

Like it that was so funny
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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Sun Sep 27, 2009 11:41 am

so, so , so true. :(
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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Sun Sep 27, 2009 5:56 pm

I'll go with that is so true and yet so funny :lol: :lol:

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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Sun Sep 27, 2009 7:42 pm

Well done Sarah that has just made me laugh my head off :lol: :lol: :lol:
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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Sat Oct 17, 2009 10:50 pm

Very sad but very true.
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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Sun Nov 01, 2009 11:48 am

THE OLDER WOMAN.

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I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.


She looked OK for a 61 year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all,

And I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.


We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.


'What's that?' I asked.


'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.


I said, 'No,' - excitedly.


We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.


I went back to her place.


She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?'

Oddy

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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Sun Nov 01, 2009 11:51 am

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a
cute-glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl..

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ,
keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'

Oddy [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Sun Nov 01, 2009 11:57 am

A group of Children in Kindergarden were trying very hard to get accustomed to the first grade, the biggest hurdle they had to face was that the teacher insisted on No baby talk! "
you need to use 'Big People words'...she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend?

"
I went to visit my Nana"


"
No, You went to visit your GRANDMOTHER"
.

Use 'Big People words!'

She then asked Mitchell what he had done?,

"
I took a ride on a choo-choo"


she said "
NO you took a ride on a Train"
.

You must remember to use 'Big People words'.

She then asked little Alec what he had done?,

"
I read a book"
he replied,

"
thats WONDERFULL"
the teacher said.
'what book did you read?

Alec thought real hard about it,
then puffed out his chest with great pride,
and said,

"
Winnie the S! ! T!"


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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Sun Nov 01, 2009 12:01 pm

Now try this [url=http:
//www.
sockandawe.
com/:1zczejg5][You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

I only scored 2

Oddy

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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Sun Nov 01, 2009 12:07 pm

A little boy goes to his father and asks, 'What is Politics and why is
that Gordon Brown on the television again?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the
Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

so the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door
locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the
nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think
politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working
Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****.


Oddy

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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Sun Nov 01, 2009 12:08 pm

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND
THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO
THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT....I'M GETTING A FAX!!

Oddy

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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Sun Nov 01, 2009 12:10 pm

This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my left and there was a
Woman

In a brand new
Cadillac


Doing 65 mph


With her
Face up next to her

Rear view mirror

Putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away

For a couple seconds !


And when I looked back she was

Halfway over in my lane,


Still working on that makeup.


As a man,

I don't scare easily.


But she scared me so much;

I dropped




My electric shaver,


Which knocked

The donut

Out of my other hand.

In all
The confusion of trying




To straighten out the car


Using my knees against
The steering wheel,


it knocked

my cell phone


away from my ear


which fell


into the coffee

between my legs,


splashed,


and burned


Big Jim and the Twins,


ruined the damn phone,


soaked my trousers,


and disconnected an


important call.


Darn women drivers!!


Oddy

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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Sun Nov 01, 2009 12:12 pm

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to wet yourself when I tell you the price.'

Oddy

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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Sun Nov 01, 2009 12:14 pm

GROAN!



A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she

visited her gynecologist.

'Come now,' coaxed the doctor,

'you've been seeing me for years!

There's nothing you can't tell me.'

'This one's kind of strange...'

'Let me be the judge of that,'

the doctor replied.

'Well,' she said, 'yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.'

'I see.'

'That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl.'

'That night,' she went on, 'I went again,

plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were quarters ! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!,' she implored,

'I'm scared out of my wits!'

The gynecologist put a comforting

hand on her shoulder.

'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Ready for this?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(I'm warning you.....)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Still not too late....delete now!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'You're simply going through the change!





Oddy

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This is so funny some of the content may be offensive

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