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 This is so funny some of the content may be offensive

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Sarah
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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive   Thu 10 Sep 2009 - 15:24

First topic message reminder :

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who
has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was,
since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He
will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
Why the early bird gets the
worm;
Life isn't always fair;
and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children,
are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate;
teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch;
and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student;
but could
not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an
abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses;

and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in
her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by
his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;

I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Mon 9 Nov 2009 - 22:35

I loved it its just how I see my Pc sometimes getting its own back on me and I'm sure one day it will
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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Tue 10 Nov 2009 - 10:12

Well done what a good find my puter does that all the time
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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Tue 10 Nov 2009 - 23:58

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep;
the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "
I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."


The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "
I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."


"
Why not,"
giggles the woman suggestively.

"
Good,"
he replies. "
Get your own blooming blanket."


Oddy

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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Wed 11 Nov 2009 - 0:00

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches there than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from so many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the chip monks.

Oddy

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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Wed 11 Nov 2009 - 0:07

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an
urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
"
Hello."


"
Is your daddy home?"
he asked.

"
Yes,"
whispered the small voice.

"
May I talk to him?"


The child whispered, "
No."


Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,

"
Is your Mummy there?"


"
Yes."


"
May I talk with her?"


Again the small voice whispered, "
No."


Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked,
"
Is anybody else there?"


"
Yes,"
whispered the child, "
a policeman."


Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked,
"
May I speak with the policeman?"


"
No, he's busy"
, whispered the child.

"
Busy doing what?"


"
Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman,"
came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked,
"
What is that noise?"


"
A hello-copper"
answered the whispering voice.

"
What is going on there?"
asked the boss, now truly alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered,
"
The search team just landed the hello-copper."


Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated, the boss
asked,

"
What are they searching for?"


Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:
"
ME."


Oddy

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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Wed 11 Nov 2009 - 0:19

THE DENTIST & THE SCOTSMAN

A Scotsman asks the dentist the cost for a tooth extraction.

"
£85 for an extraction sir,"
was the dentist's reply.


"
£85!!! Huv ye no' got anythin' cheaper?"



"
That's the normal charge,"
said the dentist.


"
Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anesthetic?"



"
That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock £15 off."



"
Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without

an anesthetic?"



"
I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But

the price could drop to £40."


"
How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the

extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin?"


"
It'll be good for the students,"
mulled the dentist. "
I'll charge

you £5. But it will be traumatic."


"
Och now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal,"
said the Scotsman.


"
Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"


Oddy

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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Wed 11 Nov 2009 - 0:23

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"
Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is Anthony Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "
Sure. I have this,"
and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into the back office.
She finds the manager and says, "
There's a frog called Anthony Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "
I mean, what in the world is this?"


The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"
It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."


Oddy

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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Wed 11 Nov 2009 - 0:24

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "
Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey"
.

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "
Never mind, I found one

Oddy

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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Wed 11 Nov 2009 - 0:33

You may not know that many non-living items are actually male or female, for example :

1. Freezer Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2. Photocopiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3. Tyres -- Male, because they go bald and are often over-inflated.

4. Hot Air Balloons -- Male, because, to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under them, and of course, there's the hot air part..

5. Sponges -- female because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6. Web Pages -- Female, because they're always getting hit on.

7. Trains -- Male, because they use the same old lines to pick people up.

8. Egg Timers -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom. Shocked

9. Hammers -- Male, because they haven't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but handy to have around.

10. The Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male but consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
Oddy

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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Wed 11 Nov 2009 - 0:40

MY PRIVATE PART DIED

An old man, Mr. McKinley, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. McKinley

'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,
she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. McKinley. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. McKinley was walking down the hall with his Private Part
hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. McKinley' she said,
'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.

Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. McKinley
'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that,
but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

(You've gotta love this ..)

'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'


Oddy

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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and no   Wed 11 Nov 2009 - 10:36

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Another good one form you

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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Wed 11 Nov 2009 - 10:50

This is very funny yet again you have made me laugh today, I always know that if I feel a bit low if I come on here something will always cheer me up
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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Fri 13 Nov 2009 - 22:35

This is so clever!




Don't tell me your age;
you would probably tell a lie anyway

-but the Acohol Man will know!

YOUR AGE BY ALCOHOL MATHS


This is pretty neat.

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute.
Work this out as you read.
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.



1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have alcohol (more than once but less than 10)




2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)





3. Add 5





4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator





5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1759 ...
If you haven't, add 1758.





6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.



You should have a three digit number












The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e., how many times you want to have alcohol each week).


The next two numbers are

YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)

THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2009) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.

Oddy

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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Fri 13 Nov 2009 - 22:42

That is amazing Bernie I have just done this 4 times without cheating and it works every time I love it

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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and no   Fri 13 Nov 2009 - 23:04

This is very spooky I have just tried it and it works you do know its FRIDAY the 13th today [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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This is so funny some of the content may be offensive

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